Autobiography of a Fantasy Character – A Side Quest

Autobiography of a what? What is this? Oh, you know, it’s just Tracey reviving a wildly popular* blog series that she hasn’t continued for TWO YEARS.

*I mean, I thought it was fun. We can all pretend it was wildly popular.

Ahem. So back in the dark ages of January 2018, I began Autobiography of a Fantasy Character, a serial story poking fun at a whole pack of fantasy tropes. But after the third instalment in April 2018 I… kind of stopped. Many thanks to my faithful pal Blue @ To Be a Shennachie for gently giving me a poke and reminding me that at least one person is waiting to see what happens to Hero and Mentor and the elven princess with an unpronounceable name!

Last we saw them, it was a literal cliffhanger—yes, they were leaping off a cliff and into the unknown.

But before we continue their story, you may want to refresh your memory on what has gone on before. Here are the first three instalments, titles linked for your convenience:

Origin Story

In which Hero grows up in Quaint Village, Mentor is mysterious, Incentive dies, Villain’s backstory is disclosed, and Hero discovers his singular purpose: to save the world.

The Journey Begins

In which Hero and Mentor set off to save the world, horses are invincible, Hero is wounded, Mentor is characteristically mysterious, and they take refuge with the elves.

A Refuge Disturbed

In which Hero falls instantly in love with an elf princess, hour-long ballads are sung, Hero tries to impress the princess and makes a deadly mistake, but Deus Ex Dragon comes to the rescue.

Without further ado… here is Part 4.

A Side Quest

I’M FALLING!

That’s all I have time to think as Mentor and I plummet into empty space, the bottom of the waterfall rushing up to greet us. Well, that, along with the inner scream of I DON’T WANT TO DIE.

A flash of red swoops over my head, and a claw snatches the back of my tunic. Suddenly I’m not falling anymore, but flying. I look over and see Mentor dangling from another claw. Above us is the massive, scaly body of a dragon. Its wings sweep into view on every downbeat.

El’liaennwil leans over from atop its back, her golden hair streaming slow-motion in the wind. “Are you all right?”

“We could’ve died!” I yell.

“But you didn’t,” she calls back, and taps the dragon’s neck.

Without warning, Mentor and I are flung up and backwards onto the dragon’s back, behind the elven princess. Heart in my throat, I cling to one of the dragon’s spiny shards. It’s a miracle neither of us was impaled after a move like that.

Mentor, seated behind me, taps my shoulder. “Look.”

I turn back and see the clifftop rapidly shrinking in the distance. I can just make out the small shapes of the dark soldiers that had nearly skewered us, now waving their swords angrily.

“What you did back there was very foolish, Hero,” Mentor says gravely. “You attempted magic far beyond your skill, and the explosion of power attracted those soldiers. You will need to be ever more cautious in the days ahead as we near Distant Land.”

I can only nod, the mention of Distant Land bringing Villain back to mind. As if on cue, the prophecy marches through my memory line by line.

Darkness watches the chosen one
Many wrongs have been done
When the final note has been sung
And night is day and old is young
Seize the keys that Villain flung

There’s no doubt I’m being watched. But I don’t like the sound of final notes, and I still have next to no idea what the “keys” are.

El’liaennwil turns to beam at me, and all prophecies crumble from my thoughts. Her smile is like a rising sun, pearly white teeth flashing behind ruby lips. “Well, I thought you were rather brave.”

Mentor harrumphs behind me, but I ignore him and return the princess’s smile.

We fly far and fast over swaths of forest. The trees eventually give way to rolling plains, cut through by a frothing river. Just like my previous equine mount, this dragon doesn’t tire or falter, and neither do we human passengers require meals or rest.

That is, until nightfall.

The red dragon touches down in the foothills of some mountains. After unstrapping bags of supplies from its back—bags that were conveniently attached prior to our last-minute escape—El’liaenwil lets the dragon go off and hunt on its own. As for us, we set up camp with her supplies: a two-person tent, three bedrolls (elves may not be the best at math), a cooking pot, potatoes, and a flute.

Mentor gathers sticks and then stands back to let me attempt to start a fire with magic. This seems completely opposed to his earlier caution, but none of us say so. I fumble the job rather badly, feeling self-conscious in front of El’liaenwil, but finally coax a few flames into existence.

After a meal of boiled potatoes and a haunting flute solo from El’liaenwil that makes my heart turn to mush, a rather sullen Mentor offers to take the first watch…

…Leaving El’liaenwil and I with the suddenly uncomfortable prospect of sharing the tent, at least for a few hours. I lie as close to the edge as possible, and she squeezes in on the other side, putting as many inches between us as possible. Still, I am aware of her every breath.

“Will… will your father be missing you?” I venture, trying to ease the awkwardness between us.

She turns on her side to face me. “Oh no. We always knew it would be my destiny to leave abruptly on a quest with a handsome Hero.”

Does she think me handsome? My face warms.

It feels like hours before I fall asleep, and then only minutes before Mentor shakes me awake and tells me it’s my turn to go on watch.

My watch passes uneventfully, after which I wake El’liaenwil for her turn. This time, I fall asleep instantly.

The next thing I know, I’m being dragged back out of the tent with chains tightening around my arms and legs and a gag stuffed into my mouth. I kick and thrash to no avail. A bag drops over my head.

Mentor and El’liaenwill grunt and struggle somewhere beside me, but all is darkness beneath the bag. Rough hands throw me into a wooden cart, and gravelly voices grumble something about bringing them home to the king.

That’s when something hard strikes my head and I black out.

***

When I awaken, it is to torchlight and chanting. The gag is gone, and so is the bag, but I am still chained. With a groan, I shake my head and look around, thoroughly disoriented.

I am standing between Mentor and the princess, both of them chained as well. We’re in a massive cavern teeming with very short figures, all dressed in armor and bearing snarling visages behind their red beards.

Dwarves.

“WHO DARES ENTER THE LAND OF THE DWARF KING?” shouts one who appears to be a leader. He’s seated on a throne atop a series of steps, which still only puts him at my eye level.

“Erm,” I begin.

“LIES!” he bellows, and all the dwarves roar in approval. “WHO DARES STAND BEFORE THE DWARF KING?” he continues.

“We only—” says Mentor.

“MORE LIES!” The dwarf king slides off his throne and picks up a gleaming axe as tall as he is. “AND WHO SHALL SERVE US AS PUNISHMENT?”

“Wait—” El’liaenwil pleads.

“YOOOOUUUU!!!” yells every dwarf, shaking the cavern walls.

“Hang on!” I shout. “We don’t have time to serve any punishment! The world is about to end if I don’t stop Villain. You have to let us go!”

The mountain rumbles as if in response.

“Villain?” This is the first word the dwarf king has spoken at a normal volume.

Mentor looks around wildly, feet braced against the last few tremors. “The keys! If Hero doesn’t restore the keys, the unbalance of the world will cause total destruction! And that includes your mountain, O Dwarf King.”

“HERO, YOU SAY?” He’s back to shouting. “WELL, BLESS THE CAVERNS DEEP, WE’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE OF THOSE.”

I gulp. If I could run, I would, but I’m still chained. El’liaenwil gives me a worried glance.

“YOU SEE, OUR FAVORITE GEM WAS STOLEN BY A GORLAB HIDING IN THE MINING TUNNELS. ONLY A HERO CAN FACE THE BEAST AND RETURN THE GEM TO US.”

I start shaking my head. This is a bad idea.

“THE GODS HAVE SENT YOU HERE FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS, HERO.” The dwarf king gives me a wicked grin. “AND TO ENSURE YOUR OBEDIENCE, WE WILL KEEP YOUR LOVER AND GRANDPAPPY HOSTAGE UNTIL YOU COMPLETE THE TASK.”

With that, other dwarves drag El’liaenwil and Mentor away.

“Didn’t you hear anything Mentor said?” I plead. “We don’t have time for a side quest!”

“SILLY BOY. EVERY HERO NEEDS A SIDE QUEST.” The dwarf king stumps down the stairs and swings his axe, slicing through my chains. “Besides…” He gives me a conspiratorial wink. “If you’re successful, you’ll go on to fight a war, and wouldn’t it be nice to have some unexpected allies show up at the last minute to help you?”

I don’t get a chance to reply, because several dwarves grab me and usher me through the cavern and down a winding tunnel. My heart thunders with every step.

We stop at a mine shaft. One dwarf hands me a torch and shoves me onto a platform, then the others begin yanking on some ropes, lowering my platform down the shaft.

“Tally ho!” yell the dwarves. “Don’t get eaten by the Gorlab! If you fail, your friends will die!”

It appears I have no choice but to participate in this side quest after all. The mountain quakes again as I descend into darkness, with only my flickering torch to light the way.

Hope you enjoyed Hero’s comeback to the blog! Keep an eye out for his face-off with the Gorlab in about a month’s time. 😉

***

As a side note, February is Fantasy Month, and the talented Jenelle Schmidt (one of the founders of the Silmaril Awards!) is hosting all sorts of fantasy epicness on her blog. This year, the theme is Worldbuilding and Fantasy Creatures. Head on over to see what shenanigans she’s up to, and which ones YOU can participate in! There’s even a bookstagram challenge going on.