I find myself in that strange no man’s land that all writers encounter: the land of in between.
It is here that I am both waiting for one story to spread its wings and sail into the wide world… and forging a path into the briars of a new story. And, to my chagrin, making only slow, halting progress on both fronts.
It is here that all manner of enemies from the other side of the war may happen across my path.
Doubt. (Is something inherently wrong with this story?)
Disconnect. (Have I forgotten how to write?)
Detachment. (Where has the flame gone?)
I can’t remember the last time I was here. I’m out of practice, my sword rusty in its sheath. Until now, I have hurtled from one story-quest to another with scarcely the time to breathe.
Or maybe that is the trick of the wilderness, to make us think we have never been here before. To make us believe we are ill-equipped—and destined to wander here forever.
But yesterday I happened upon a light that may pierce the lies. It’s a question posed by Rilke, which I found quoted in Madeleine L’Engle’s Walking on Water. (Highly recommended, that.)
“You are looking outward, and that above all you should not do now. Nobody can counsel and help you, nobody. There is only one single way. Go into yourself. Search for the reason that bids you to write; find out whether it is spreading out its roots in the deepest places of your heart, acknowledge to yourself whether you would have to die if it were denied you to write. This above all—ask yourself in the stillest hour of your night: Must I write? Delve into yourself for a deep answer. And if this should be affirmative, if you may meet this earnest question with a strong and simple ‘I must,’ then build your life according to this necessity; your life even into its most indifferent and slightest hour must be a sign of this urge and testimony to it.”
—Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
If you, like me, are a wayfarer caught between home and enemy territory, perhaps you’ll meet me here in the “stillest hour” of our night. Perhaps you and I both, if we sit with this question long enough, will find our deep roots once again.
And then perhaps we will have the courage to write even in our most indifferent moments…
to rebuild our creative rhythms…
and to fan even the slightest spark into a flame.
A Post-Script
Three whole months have passed since my last blog post (an unintentional hiatus at its finest), and instead of apologizing and trying to parse out why I’ve avoided the page, I would much rather simply show up here and write, like I have today.
I’m picking back up where I left off, but I’m being selective about what I’m picking up. For the time being, I’m hanging up all my blogging traditions, schedules, and self-imposed expectations. If I couldn’t carry those things with consistency this year—and if I didn’t feel passionate about them—then perhaps it’s time to shed it all for now and go back to my roots.
Words. Pure and simple.
Book reviews, movie reviews, writing advice, quarterly Subplots & Storylines round-ups… those may return. Or they may not. Perhaps it’s time to give myself permission to evolve. “Things never happen the same way twice, dear one,” Aslan once said. And although he is but a fictional lion, I can’t help but think it’s only humans who wish for things to fit into a formula.
So for today, hello again. I’ll be back. When? Soon, that’s all I know. What will I say then? I’ll find out when I get there.
Thank you for being here! To welcome you back, I’m passing out virtual tea by the gallons and fresh gingersnaps by the dozens. I wish you and your family a warm and joyous Christmas! And to my fellow wordsmiths, may you find the words, sentences, and paragraphs you need at the right time. <3
So good to see you back, Tracey! I hope you’ve been doing well the last few months. <3
And this is such a beautiful coming-back post. I really needed to hear this today, and I'll definitely be checking out "Walking on Water!" It sounds like an amazing work 😀
It’s good to BE back! And the past few months have been so amazing–there have been challenges for sure, but God has been so good. I hope you’ve been doing well too, and had a good Christmas!
I’m so glad these thoughts arrived at the right time. <3 I'm only a few chapters into "Walking on Water," but it's exactly what I needed to read in this season too. I highly recommend it!
Aaaahhh I’ve missed the beautiful Tracey words! You always have such an eloquent, poetic way of putting things that strikes right to the heart.
I, too, have struggled with the questions so, so much. Last year especially saw me in such a creative drought. But, thankfully, droughts never last. I think if we keep pushing through, keep seeking creativity from all sources of life, the dam will always break again.
And wow, that quote is POWERFUL. Thank you for sharing that!
Been thinking about you and praying for you, my dear friend. Though I LOVE your posts, I think simply blogging when the words come is a beautiful thing. I do hope the rest of your December is a wonderful one. <3
Aw, Christine, thank you for the warm welcome back! <333 I've missed writing here too.
"Droughts never last." SO TRUE. And yet when you're in one, it's so easy to think you'll be there forever. As I make my way out, I'm slowly learning to redefine what creativity looks like. What I know for sure is that it's NOT the arbitrary expectations I put on myself to write at a certain speed or put out a certain number of words each month!
Thank you again, my friend--SO much. <3 Your words never fail to encourage me! I hope you've had a lovely Christmas!
That is a neat quote, and a good question to ask periodically. Thank you for sharing. As one who has also dabbled with blog schedules and themed posts upon occasion and ultimately rejected them for the “I will blog when I want to blog about the things I want to blog about” plan, WELCOME to the club! It’s lovely and peaceful here.
I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with the one story trying to spread its wings and writing a new one. That’s a difficult place to be. But I believe in you and your writing. I’m sure you’ll find the right place to help your stories shine their brightest!
Rooting for you! And Merry Christmas!
It’s something I’ve been chewing on as the year comes to a close… Seems like the perfect time to take a step back and remember one’s roots. Ha, THANK YOU for that warm welcome! I’ve got another post stewing in my head today, and it’s wonderfully freeing to follow those whims.
*hugs* Thank you for those kind words, Jenelle! It’s a funny transition period, for sure, but I’m blessed to have fellow writer friends like you cheering me on. <3
I hope you've had a wonderful Christmas with your family!
Must I write? That’s going to haunt me in a good way.
Glad to hear it! <3